Articles > Balanced Living > Loss, Death and Moving On

The loss of anyone or anything truly important to us and our family and loved ones will engender all of the same feelings as losing a loved one, however the intensity of losing a living being is far more wrenching and often stays with us for much longer - so this article is primarily about the loss of someone important in your life. However, to lose ones job, home, role or relationship can be just as devastating.

Loss is something that we are all confronted with

Loss is something that we are all confronted with many times in our lives, sometimes the loss is excruciating because the one we lose is so precious that there is a time that we wonder whether we can go on without them. We lose our way, our compass, our meaning and at those moments we lose touch with out own true selves.

This time of shock is made bearable, or just about bearable, by the symptoms of shock in the physical body... we feel less, sometimes nothing, sometimes accompanied by a pseudo guilt or concern that we do feel nothing. Or not as much as we know we should... but how much is that?

Working through grief is a very personal experience. The one or ones we have lost are themselves unique and their place in our lives unfillable. On my own journey through the dark days, and in helping others to regain meaning and purpose and focus in their lives I have learned a few thing that you may find helpful.

Whatever you feel is okay.

Be it pain, a sense of being torn apart, great anger at the universe, at your god, at the person who has left you. Anger at the medical staff, at circumstance. Disbelief, and a wish to turn back time, to go back to bed so that you can wake up from this nightmare. You may feel hopeless, helpless and useless.

Sometimes you will feel so many emotions at once that all you can do is cry or rock back and forth, or you may lose yourself in a bottle or fall into the well of exhausted sleep.

Often your emotions will tip from despair to a sense that the future might be okay in a matter of hours or minutes.

Whatever extremes of emotion that you have, from utter numbness to stabbing physical pains - all these are part of the natural process. However alone you feel, you are not truly alone, but this knowledge is unlikely to be of any help in the first weeks.

First steps - Ritual, honour and celebration

This is perhaps the only time in our lives when even us rebels truly require some sense of tradition and ritual. When my beloved feline child, Zair, was cruelly strangled I was out of my mind with disbelief, anger, wishing myself dead so I could be with her, and at the same time knowing that a part of me was dead. Attending to her vacant body, grooming her and placing her carefully for burial beneath her favourite tree was the first step to returning to my own life.

There is no single correct way to honour our loved ones, what matters is that we do so in a way that we know would please the one who we are releasing. Whether you choose a large formal gathering where many people can attend to show their love and respect, or whether your ritual is private and personal, it is very important for us to mark the passing of one who was important to us - for they shall always be important, and the joy that we have shared, the love and the experiences will be held in our hearts always.

Celebration is often the furthest thing from our minds and yet that too is essential, for we have so much to celebrate. Every moment that we shared was a gift, every memory is ours to cherish, even though so often they bring only tears and anguish at first. Still, to remember over and over, to hold each one delicately and closely, that is yet another gift. Days pass, then weeks. Our memories never fade, they gain an charm and depth, becoming companions and friends. Easing the wounds.

Survival - New Directions, Questions answered, Growing

Surviving the months after a huge loss is never easy. Some people simply don't. We all know of couples or close family members who have passed away within months of each other. I know that I was relieved for my beloved stepmother when she followed my Dad - he may have been a trial to her in some ways but their love was never in any doubt.

However most of us choose to keep going, even though we falter at first and wonder just what life is about and why we are bothering. But that too alters, and our moments of despair come less frequently.

For many of us, our primary goal is to make some sense of the loss. To give it a context in our lives that allows us to grow and to learn in some way. This is by far more healthy than the denial or repression of feelings.

Although many people will scorn any attempt to look for a metaphysical explanation, or our desire to be positive in the face of endings, to do this is the wisest and surest way to recover from the ill effects of loss with dignity, self acceptance, and memory intact.

Some things that may help you in this process:-

• Remember that those who suffer teach us. This is a piece of wisdom that I was given by a new friend, and I found it painful at first. However, when I think about the suffering that those I have lost felt before theirs deaths, there truly is a message for me in each experience. They are different lessons, and yet each one is important and now that I can see the suffering as having a purpose, that too becomes a precious gift.

• Trust your initial reactions and intuitions. Often the lesson that we are given is most clear when you are at your most raw, immediately after the news comes to you or the realisations sets in. Whilst those first truths may seem dramatic and ugly, or just plain odd, it is well worth reminding yourself of them in the following months. Many of us come to realise that the truth or insight we first felt steers us in the years to come.

• Allow yourself as long as you need to shed all the tears you have to shed, to rant and rave when you need to. Remember that emotions held inside will eventually turn against you and can lead to many mental and physical illnesses. But, do be careful not to wear your grief like a suit of armour that keeps other people away.

• Forgive all those people who don't know what to say to you, who avoid ringing you back, or cross the street when they see you coming. It is a deficiency and sickness in our culture that teaches us to fear death, to avoid the subject, to shun the display of deep emotions and to reject our natural need to talk about the loss. We are all victim of this curious and absurd taboo around death and loss. It could hardly be a more stupid or destructive thing than to deny the one thing that we all will always have in common - our mortality.

• Accept the wisdom that you are given - whether this be when speaking to those wonderful others who allow you to talk of your loss and your feelings, your dreams, a deeper connection to your intuition, the ability to accept your emotions better. Loss does leave us vulnerable for many months, but this truly is a good thing. We can use this time to reach out to others in a wholly different way. My favourite example of this is my partners eldest son. He lost his beloved wife and friend some weeks ago, but since then he has met several people who have also lost their partners in recent years, and he plans to share his holiday celebrations with them. As he says, "You have to decide whether you are going to die, take your own life or live. It IS that simple".

• Keep on going. It is true that the passing of time dulls the pain, and as your energy returns you will gain pleasure from your daily life again. You will sometimes feel flashes of extreme pain and loss, but they will become less sharp and come less frequently. Many of us, who have lost loved ones also find that the sense of their presence helps us feel protected and less lonely. Whether you feel that this presence is through memories or through the living soul/spirit, do accept that comfort!

• Most important of all, embrace change. Our astounding universe is constantly changing, and we need to all learn to welcome new things and people into our lives. It is the most creative and beautiful process of the cycle of life. Death makes room for new life. Each of us can make our lives more wonderful, more enriching, more creative and joyous - and that surely is what those who have died would wish for us.